It seems that the true spirit of christmas is ... misery, as seen below. This poor little girl just had to go shopping, and decorate the house, and cook a turkey for a bunch of people who don't appreciate her.
Every year around christmas, in addition to the evil spirits possessing souls, we all become rather glum. In the next number of paragraphs you will see an (several actually) example(s) of this.
Hey, welcome to paragraph 3. Thanks for coming. I'm a pretty weak one, but paragraph 4 is just below. Check it out.
As you may recall from an earlier paragraph, I'm going to give you an example of some christmas misery. This all happened last night, when Brandon and I decided we needed some Brick Beer - Red Cap specifically.
*Pause*
DRINK BRICK!! They are hurting financially (like everyone else), and they need us now more than ever. In addition, it's great fucking beer! Throw out that piss-water (Bud, Blue, Molson, Keiths, Lucky, etc.) and pick up something solid and local (for some of you) - supporting the little guy instead of the fat cats for once.
*Resume*
Our first attempt to procure this beer was, of course, at the brewery. Sadly, they were closed. This bad timing forced us to treck over to the uptown LCBO. Following a thorough search of the store, we decided there was no Red Cap on the premises. In spite of this realization, I decided a last-ditch effort was in order before purchasing a different beer.
Read more after I take a quick break.
*Time Passes*
Okay, back. I filled my coffee cup.
So, where was I? Right. Last-ditch effort. I approached a pleasant looking LCBO employee and in a hushed tone (as to not be overheard), asked him if there was a stash of Red Cap out back. He decided he wanted to play, so he looked around (ensuring we were not being watched/listened to) and replied (also in a hushed tone) that we should go take a look. When he affirmed our suspicions with regards to the lack of Red Cap, I expressed my disappointment in the fact that I would be forced to settle for a beer that I less-than-desired. At this he came closer and said (rather forcefully): "You must go to The Beer Store".
I told him how much i despise that place and its soup-nazi approach to service, but he made a strong case by reminding me that it was only a ten minute drive, and would return an evening of Red Cap pleasure. This guy was entirely on board with the get Red Cap plan.
We agreed, and headed over to The Beer Store. We arrived, braved the cold getting into the building, and waited in the long line until an overweight late-20s-guy (no, not Will) with a frown barked: "Can I see your ID please"? The other till was being run by an early-20s-girl with an even bigger frown mumbled to every customer: "Can I see your ID please"? After placing our order we were forced to wait for a few minutes for the beer to come flying out of the beer chute from (I can only assume) some sort of warehouse situated a few minutes away from the store. During this wait I quipped to the girl: "If you came up with some sort of word that meant 'can I see your ID please', you could save tons of time eh?".
*Pause Again*
I believe that 'eh?' is a word. The '?' is a part of it. It is then be followed by a period.
*Okay, Resume*
She was not impressed with this joke. She glared (and it was a cold glare) at me, and responded: "Maybe". A guy then walked up to her with a box of shit in his hand and asked if she had any colder shit in the back, as the stuff up front was a little warm. Her response to him was: "That's probably it".
The night did not end there, as we decided to duck in to Little Caesars for some Hot-N-Readies. The joke I made to this guy was: "I'd like your finest Hot-N-Ready please. Wait, no. Your second-finest one". His response while throwing a pizza at me was: "I think this is the best". There's no way he could know that - he didn't even look in the box!
The point that you have to take away from these trips is: these were not happy people. These people did not want to exist. Remember the 'thanks a latte' incident at Starbucks? That was two years ago at this same time of year. These jokes would have been chuckled, or at least smiled, at during any other month. December brings out the misery in us all.
The odd thing is how that LCBO guy was so happy and into life? Maybe he just got laid in the back room ... or maybe he stole the happiness from those other people! I wonder if the sum of all of their happiness that night was the same as a normal day. This might be another trick of the Evil Spirits of christmas
*With numbers*
Normal Day
LCBO Guy = 5
Beer Guy = 5
Beer Girl = 5
Pizza Guy = 5
--------------------------
Total Happiness = 20
Last Night
LCBO Guy = 20
Beer Guy = 0
Beer Girl = 0
Pizza Guy = 0
-------------------------
Total happiness = 20
