Do you wipe your ass?
If you answered YES to any of these questions, you're killing the world! You are the problem. Toilet paper accounts for (insert stupid pulled-out-of-thin-air number here)% of the deforestation happening in our country EVERY DAY!
And what's worse - comfortable, multi-ply, quiltey pocket toilet paper is over (insert another stupid pulled-out-of-thin-air number here)% worse than the sand-paper 1-ply eco (both nomic and -chic) brands.
Says Dr. Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist and waste expert with the Natural Resource Defense Council (United States):
“No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper”The issue is the fluffiness. To get the comfortable, ass-friendly toilet paper, you need to use wood from standing trees - virgin wood. Using recycled materials results in the sandpaper you find in hotels, schools, and many places of business.
"This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous”
“Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age"
"Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution”
If you need to wipe, you should not be doing so comfortably. If you are not on the verge of tears when you're done, then the fast-approaching global-warming-caused-apocalypse will be on your conscience - not Dr. Hershkowitz's.
You need to wake up, and realize that it's your job to save the world. Your mom's not going to do it, the Tim Horton's employees aren't going to do it, YOU have to do it. Now I've said this before, but you need to wake up, and realize that it's your job to save the world.
Rise up! Take charge! If your ass hasn't been wiped raw by crappy (pun intended) toilet paper today, you haven't risen up! You haven't taken charge!
Now that your eyes have been opened, go forth and be uncomfortable. I want to see you all having trouble sitting down for the next few weeks.
