Good day, and welcome to Act II of my incredible play. If you missed it, check out Act I first.
Enter Celia, clutching a black book. Her hair is now black, as are her nails and lips. She has numerous piercings on her face, and white makeup. She is wearing all black, with one of those stupid necklaces that looks like a black belt with silver spikes.
Celia: I wrote a poem for the two of you. It goes like this:
My eyes are black.
My hair is black.
My shoes are black.
My pants are blakc.
My nails are black.
My blood is black.
My heart is black.
My soul is black.
The world is black,
But I love you guys.
Gary: My God Celia. That was beautiful. We love you too.
Enter Shirtless Karl.
Karl: Hey guys. I’m Shirtless Karl.
Celia: Karl, your shirt is black …
Gary: Did you just cut in line?
Karl: (glaring at Karl) I did.
Celia: … Your sword is black …
Manfred: (looks at Celia and shakes head, then looks back to Karl) but why are you wearing a shirt if your name is Shirtless Karl?
Karl: You Aaaaaaarrrrre right. (draws sword and cuts off shirt) That’s nice on my Aaaaarrrrms.
Celia: … Your nipples are black …
Gary: Karl, where did you come from?
Karl: Well, John …
Gary: It’s Gary, actually.
Karl: … Oh, sorry. Gary, I come from the land of Latin American dance.
Manfred: Wow! I love Latin dance.
Karl: Woah! Woah! Woah! Latin American dance. American. They’re very different. (Karl puts on a pirate-hat)
Gary: Did you just make up a name for me because you didn’t know mine? Who would do that?
Celia: … Your hat is black …
Gary: Look, as a doctor, I think I’m an authority on this matter.
Manfred: The matter of Latin American dance? They teach that in Med-school?
Gary: No, Manfred. The matter of your herpes.
Celia: … Your herpes are black …
Karl: What? Manfred? Herpes?
Manfred: It’s true. I do have herpes, and it’s extremely depressing.
Karl: … Stephen Harper …
A man in a military uniform marches on stage and grabs Manfred by the collar of his shirt, injects him with a needle, and drags him offstage. All the while, Celia is cutting her wrists and snorting cocaine, while Karl steals a pet parrot from another line-waiter and perches it on his shoulder. Gary does a cartwheel before pulling out his cell phone from his pocket. He dials …
Gary: (into the phone) Hello. Is Rodrigo there please? (pause) Thank you. (pause) Veo queusted trató de Manfred. Buen trabajo. Debo ahora consumir la cabeza de un niño, antes de la matanza Karl, que se parece ser pirata. El pescado nada contra la corriente, mientras que se eleva el águila por encima. Gracias. Adiós.
Celia: … Your Spanish is black …
Karl: You know guys, I miss Manfred. I think he was my soul mate.
Gary: Are you gay? Karl? Gay?
Karl: No! Of course not! Would a gay man do this? (runs offstage)
Gary: … Stephen Harper.
Celia: You know, I’m getting really tired of this dyed hair, “free-thinking” persona. I’ll be back in a minute. (goes offstage)
The gap in the line is now quite large, and the group behind them is getting extremely frustrated.
Gary: (to the people behind him in line) Is this what my life has come to? Waiting in line to get to the front and kill evil zombies, to save the fate of the human race? Only to have my best friend carted off by a soldier? And a gay pirate, and crazy Celia? I know this is not my destiny. I must take my leave of this place, these people, and this mission.
